I’m doing so freaking awesome lately. And I learned a few curse words too.
I didn’t feel so good for a while.
I meant, since the last time you read my work with all the zen stuff I was doing, I went down down to the toilet. Well, not literally a real toilet, but in a way, kinda.
At the time I was typing this, my son is almost 17 months old.
I had a lot of stories during those 17 months, but no one would be interested if I kept telling how Zen I was, and all the similar spiritual stuff that I did before. And honestly, all the zen stuff stopped.
Or I stopped them all.
I mean, who has the freaking time and energy to do all of that stuff, which usually takes me hours a day.
Yes, yes. You see all the freaking awesome moms on Pinterest and Facebook who figure this whole thing out, wearing clothes like Anna Freaking Wintour and have bodies like they are Victoria freaking Secret angels.
Please, take those women back to Venus, or Mars. I never read that book anyway.
So no. Obviously I’m from Earth, and I don’t do that awesome Pinterest stuff and all. All the Zen stuff I was bragging proudly before, I also stopped them too.
For a while I felt like crap though.
I became fat. Like really fat. The fattest I ever was.
Now that my whole life I always tried to lose weight, and for a few years since I started taking care of myself seriously, I was in the best shape.
Know that I never look like any of the Victoria angels, but I got a good body too. Not too much, just enough for me (or my husband) to use.
But then I got knocked up. Despite my effort to keep doing exercises, I still got a big fat layer built up on my belly, to protect the womb. It’s inevitable but still sucks.
Because who in the hell is going to diet and do jumping jacks and do the f'k-this-shit-is-no-joke Insanity or another Shaun T’s exercise program? Me.
And that is if that shit works for me. Or my no-longer-mine breasts. Or my son. Or my fat.
Imagine having tits and ass and some abs and you were so damn proud of, then add of a sudden, you got all cheesy and saggy shit and all.
That’s about it with my fat. I’m not body shaming myself or anyone else, and I know many people take pictures of all their fat and their babies, calling it beautiful because it helps to bring a little angel blah blah blah to the Earth. Yes, I can see that. But flipping the fat up and down my belly, using my extra skin to fan myself is not a f'king good view.
Being fat is just one of the things that made me feel like crap, other from financial issues, sleepless nights, my son had titled head, clogged milk ducts, etc.
I got hit by a full f'king shitty combo.
Err, what’s next? I’m still dealing with a lot of shit literally, just now the shit becomes solid so it hasn’t leaked out YET.
And no, there is no goddamn miracle or some stupid zen shit that turns my life the other way around. But goddamn it, I’ve been feeling f'king awesome lately.
Every day I get to watch my little pain-in-the-butt angel grow up, getting many curse words inside my head too.
I’m still in deep shit of debt, but I’ve gotten a better pay at the job I hate. Who cares now? Take that f'king money first.
I get to sleep more, around 5 hours a day until I suddenly get choked in my sleep because a little sucker decides to wake up around 5 am almost every f'king awesome morning, climbs on top of me, pulls down my blanket, lifts my shirt up and gulps his face to my nipple, trying to get some milk.
Many times he gets sleepy in the process, rolls over, and rests his head on my f'king nose. Or sometimes in the climbing process, he puts his body weight on my neck, and I feel like motherf’cking superwoman when I make my neck muscles tight as f'k in the hope of getting some air and not die.
But the whole morning shit, even though my eyes sting the whole time, is so goddamn awesome.
The first thing I see every morning is his tiny little face, with shining eyes and a smile. Sometimes he adds some screaming, or a kick to the face, or some stepping on my hair and hurts the hell out of my skull. But I still love this whole shit dearly. I don’t want to change that view for anything else.
And even though I am still trying to figure this crap out, and every time I think I am closed to figure it out, the whole motherhood thing changes (why they change my motherhood thing), and I am left clueless again.
But yes, it’s a goddamn good life. And I’m doing so f'king awesome lately.